Don’t keep dancing with the Devil and wonder while you’re still in hell.

askdblock-blog:

I feel like my suffering is repetitive.
My heartache and my suffering going head to head they’re both so competitive. It’s a battle I don’t want any parts in. Try as I might and wish as I may, it’s still just those two I meet at the end of my day. A vicious circle to be stuck in I’m constantly dizzy.

Chick after chick I can’t find stable ground. Round and round in the circle a clear horizon I’ve never found. I roll with the punches I’m a fighter it’s what I’m built to do. Blow after blow hit after hit constantly throwing jabs 1 & 2. Uuuf she was a liar Bam she’s a cheater I take the punches to my chin. I’m not even sure I’ll know how to deal with a normal one what will I do then?

I’ll give my all til there’s nothing I walk into the blaze. Remember I’m built for this so go ahead keep repeating I’ll just keep getting back up til my final days 💪

I’m terrified. I’m not sure if I’m more scared of myself or you.

I allow all of your lies and bullshit promises to get into my head and feed this fairytale I wanted with you. I constantly battle myself every day to see through it all.

You’ll never change.

The anger and hurt you fill me with is unexplainable. I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life until you.

But I keep coming back and allowing you to treat me worse every time.

I used to love my life, now I’m indifferent on if I exist or not. So much so that I jumped out of a car because of you and spent hours after wishing it had done the worst. But I’m here and they keep telling me I’m beyond lucky for that.

My family told me to choose. Them or you.

My family - I should choose my family.

Especially over someone who doesn’t even value my life.

You tell me you want to marry me, you want me to be the mother your children, that losing me would devastate you. I jumped out of a car and pulled myself out of the ditch while you told me to go fuck myself. I’m a hoe, a whore, a slut, a dirty bitch. You say I’m so intelligent just to turn around to tell me I’m an idiot. You slap me around as a joke until I do it back then the hits get real. Heaven forbid I get upset at being hit and walk away. Your logical thinking is that I can only be leaving to go suck some dick.

That’s what I’m diminished to - a dirty bitch who does absolutely nothing but suck dick.

After being abused by the man she loves and begs to be loved by, men are the last thing on my mind. But I suppose that tells us how you think. I’m sure it wasn’t long before you started hitting all your girls up. The ones that don’t have to beg for your attention, the ones that get the you that I deserve and beg for.

You make me feel worthless. Ugly.

I want to hate you with every ounce of life left in me, but I can’t. No matter how hard I try, I can’t.

So maybe I am an idiot. I’m stupid.

I don’t know what else to do, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that you’ll never truly love me and I’ll never be good enough.

I made you my life and I have nothing left. Not even you.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

But I am and I can’t bring myself to give up again, I’m just terrified of the direction I’m going.

I loved you so much that I lost sight in everything else, especially myself.  I glued myself to you so tightly because I was so terrified of losing you. Lets be honest though, you were never really mine to lose, were you?

You always treated me so coldly, and I couldn’t ever understand why when all I ever did was love you. Sometimes the harsh words you used to stay still stay inside of my head. The heartless things you used to do still stain my mind.

You used to tell me all the time that you destroyed everything you loved, and I used to say that you didn’t, I used to try to comfort you in order to make you feel better. I realize now though, that you were right.  You do, and you probably always will. 

I was never good enough, or at least that is how you would treat me. I was always wrong, I was the crazy one after the break up, it was never you. It was always me. 

You were poison to my heart, and I wanted so badly to save you, but I couldn’t.

You destroyed me. And I hated you for it. 

I hated you so much that the very thought of you made my blood boil. I was going down a path I had never gone down before and it scared me. Everything you had put me through made me hate you so much that I became bitter. I was turning into someone I didn’t want to be, someone I was growing to hate.

So I forgave you. Not because you apologized, or because you deserved it. I forgave you for myself. I knew that the only way I could begin to let you go, and to move on with my life was for me to forgive you even though you weren’t sorry. 

I learned a lot in letting you go, so much that I couldn’t see because my world revolved around you completely. 

The day you left me, it was the best day of my life. You saved me that day and I thank you for that. I was so lost in loving you that I couldn’t see that you were only hurting me. With every text you had to hide, every lie you told, and every harsh word you would speak to me, and somewhere down the road I accepted that it was how I deserved. 

That saying “we accept the love we think we deserve” had never been so true in my life. I knew that I had to change. I needed to take a breather and get back to the girl I wanted to be, not the girl that I became in loving a monster. 

I deserve so much more than you could have ever given me. Goodbye made me strong. 

You’re bound to get upset in situations, that is inevitable. Your reaction is most important, short term and long term. Do not apologize for feeling too deeply, ever. You deserve to sincerely be heard even if the other party does not agree. We are at the age now that holding negative feelings towards someone over things that you can not change should not be an issue. You move past them with communication and maturity, in spite of any emotions or opinions involved.
If you happen to encounter someone who can not open their mind to understand and move on in positive light, let them go. They do not deserve to learn the best parts of you if they can not move on from the simplest of situations. If they can not accept and admire your ability to feel so deeply, they do not deserve to have any piece of you.
In this day and age, self respect is hard to find and honesty is short of extinct. Do not be afraid to attach quickly, but be very careful who you allow to experience the best of you. The devil was once an angel, too.
No one is perfect - mistakes and bad decisions will happen. Again, reaction is key. Pay close attention to the ones you allow around you. Not everyone deserves a piece of you, sweetheart and the ones who don’t will most likely move on the next naive target in their life. Don’t fight for them to stay, when it comes to them walking away. If they knew even a possibility or a taste of the fingerprint you would leave in their life, they would have never made you feel the need to question yourself. You are your own queen, darling.

💕CNG

I spent weeks begging you to stay, begging you to let me help and you refused. You left me crying on the floor, unable to breathe. You made it look so easy.

So now that I’m finally giving you that space. Now that you are free to do what you want. You choose to attempt conversation? Are you purposely trying to torture me? Knowing that I miss you more than anything, knowing that I crave you everyday.

I’m too strong for this. I will not give in to you, not anymore. You walked away. You wanted your space.

Now you’ve got it.

-CNG